When Followers Drop and Doubts Rise - Navigating Self-Sabotage

Day 5 - Morning Musings

I really didn’t want to show up here today, and I tried to make every excuse why I shouldn’t. It is only Day 5 of my 30-day commitment to myself, and already self-sabotage is rearing its ugly head. I find that my self-sabotage can be triggered by many things, and what triggered it today was losing 50 followers on Instagram overnight. Fifty isn’t a large number, nor should it matter; however, the idea that 50 people have unfollowed me because of my writing was almost enough to stop me from opening my laptop and allowing myself to create.

Almost.

This is one of the many reasons I love working with a mentor. For the past few months, I have been working with an incredible Creative Mentor, (Shani you are a gift) and this morning, when I saw the numbers drop and felt the desire to self-sabotage manifesting, I opened my WhatsApp and messaged her this exact message:

‘Feeling a little disheartened this morning—50 followers down since I started sharing my writing online. I know it’s just a number, and it’s good to align with the right audience, but it still sucks. Hoping that by voicing this, it won’t affect me from showing up for myself.’

Her reply was:

‘Change sends ripples outside of us too… I feel like the root here is showing up for yourself—what are you giving yourself through this journey? Are you willing to let an arbitrary number of strangers take that from you?’

I have found that by being vulnerable and voicing what is going on for me, I am able to shift from the story to the reality. Instead of silently agonising over something, when I allow myself to be witnessed by another, I take some of my power back. And that right there is the point. This isn’t about anyone outside of myself; it is about me showing up for myself. It is about me gifting myself through this journey, without expectations of what might happen as a result. After all, it is my voice.

I have let the opinions and validation of others stop me from doing so much in my life, and the whole purpose of these 30 days is for me to write for me. For me to give myself permission to show up even when I feel like I have nothing to say. To allow my voice the time and space to explore. Self-sabotage can be so addictive when it disguises itself as safety, but in reality, that ‘safety’ is just keeping us small.

We all have triggers in life, and social media has been a huge trigger for me. My page has gone from vegan recipes and lifestyle to political activism, to awareness on refugees, to coaching/personal development, and now to what feels the most aligned, which is a coach exploring and navigating life as a woman in her 30s who isn’t where she thought she ‘should’ be. I have tried to figure out the algorithm, been tempted by selling courses, and followed accounts that have told me what I ‘should’ be doing to grow my account, but the only way that I can honestly show up is authentically through my self-expression, which is my writing. The content that I have created that has had the most impact hasn’t been created for views or likes but because it is an honest reflection of what I am going through in that moment.

That is the content that I feel seen in, and my writing is no different.

Like so many women, I have spent my life suppressing parts of who I am in order to fit into who other people want me to be, and it’s exhausting. The constant battle of trying to break free from the constraints that have been put on me, by others and myself, and I feel this so much in my creativity. My writing is my voice, and for so long, I have suffocated that voice out of the desire to please others, but the point has come where I am so fucking tired of swallowing my voice, and I know the only way to break that condition is to run headfirst into it.

So this morning, despite being tempted to run into the cloak of ‘safety,’ I have chosen to choose myself and to write.

If you have made it this far, thank you for being here. Your kind words of encouragement and support mean the world to me. I am determined not to let self-sabotage win. Writing is a part of who I am, and I am reminding myself that when we start showing up for the life we want today, we begin to create it.

Showing up for this little girl (6 year old me) who loved to create stories and found friends and comfort in the written word.