I thought it would be easy or at least somewhat enjoyable. Oh, how wrong I was. With pregnancy comes a certain level of guilt—guilt that you are pregnant while so many people around you struggle with their fertility journeys, and that guilt is doubled if you don’t enjoy parts, or all, of your pregnancy. You feel like you ‘should’ enjoy it and be grateful that you are pregnant.
I have found the first trimester to be a yo-yo of emotions and a confusing space to sit in. Immense happiness about being pregnant but also incredible dislike for the experience itself. The constant nausea, fatigue, food aversions, and the inability to understand my body or know what it needs.
I have spent over a decade dedicated to my health and well-being. I have worked hard to form a relationship with my body, one based on trust and understanding. Pregnancy has dismantled that relationship, and in its place, a new relationship is having to be formed. The first trimester was a constant battle of learning, relearning, and curiously questioning, "What do you want?" Do you remember that scene from The Notebook, which has since become a famous meme of Noah rather desperately asking Ally, "What do you want?" This has been the question I have been asking myself for the past three months.
What food do you want? What will take the nausea away? What exercise can you do today? What can you do to make yourself feel better? A constant internal dialogue of "What do you want?"
There are so many things that I have learnt during my first trimester, but the biggest one of all is to stay curious and not assume that how I feel today is how I will feel tomorrow. I have had to let go of any idea of who I once was and curiously approach who I am becoming. When I have been out of breath walking up the stairs, instead of being frustrated at my new exhaustion, I have had to remind myself that this too shall pass. I have had to lean into a state of complete surrender and, with it, block out the external and internal noise that is constantly giving me advice.
As helpful as advice can be, it can also be quite damaging when you are trying to listen to your own inner knowing. With family members, friends, medical professionals, and strangers all having an opinion of what to expect, what is normal, what isn’t normal, how you should be doing things—it takes a huge amount of internal strength to silence the external and sit with the internal. This is where the question "What do you want?" has been the most helpful. In this place, the space between all the noise, I have been able to ask myself, "What is it that I want?" and, as a result, I have been able to find my centre in the chaos of the first trimester. This isn’t about anyone else. This is about me. What I am going through. What I am feeling. What I am experiencing. That is the beauty of pregnancy. It feels like the greatest initiation of my life.
As someone who has sat in ceremonies, nothing compares to the experience I have had over the last three months. I have been humbled beyond what I thought was my identity and asked to remain curious and open to whatever happens next. Motherhood is an incredible initiation from who I thought I was into who I am becoming, and because I now hold the responsibility of raising a child, it extends beyond me into something so much greater.
The greatest purge and surrender that I have ever experienced.
The silver lining is that at 16 weeks pregnant, I finally don’t feel nauseous all day, and my fatigue is becoming less and less. I never thought I would feel such gratitude for not feeling nauseous, but I do. I wake up every day and go to bed every night grateful. Food is becoming slightly more interesting to me after months of beige. Another letting go. As someone who has been mainly plant-based for 14 years and very healthy, surrendering to my cravings for bread, French fries, and parmesan cheese has been humbling.

I still sit in the space of guilt around not loving pregnancy so far and being aware that so many women struggle with their fertility. I have built a community online of women who are facing their own fertility challenges, and it is hard sometimes to hold space for my experience without feelings of guilt. I think a lot of women feel this way, which is why we experience so much in silence. We have been taught that life is black and white, when in reality, it is painted in an array of colours, all of which are designed to be experienced.
Some things I have learnt in my first trimester:
Assume nothing—stay curious and open.
Don’t compare your experience to that of anyone else.
Find ways to stay centred and connected to your truth amidst the noise of opinions and advice.
You can hate being pregnant while being excited about becoming a mother.
Morning sickness is a lie and should be renamed "all-day nausea."
It’s OK to let go of all the ideas you had about what you ‘want’ to eat during pregnancy and to eat what you need to in order to survive.
Pregnancy is a time to be curious about who you are becoming—it is OK if parts of you no longer exist in this new space.
Your boobs will hurt—a lot—and sports bras will become your new best friend.
When your jeans no longer fit, it is OK to grieve, but don’t sit there for too long. Buy bigger pants—you are growing a human.
Ask for help—there is no badge of honour for suffering through pregnancy.
People won’t let you carry heavy things anymore. At first, I wanted to prove that I still could, before realising I have nothing to prove. Let people carry things; it isn’t often in life that we let ourselves receive in this way.
When you are exhausted and can no longer do the things you used to, remind yourself that you are growing organs.
Women are incredible. I knew this already, but pregnancy has given me a whole new level of appreciation for women.
Your nose will bleed, your lips will be cracked, you gums may also bleed and no matter how hard you try you will feel constantly dehydrated.
This too shall pass.
Don’t shrink yourself down because your experience doesn’t look the same as someone else’s. Share. We heal parts of ourselves and one another when we share our honest truth and allow ourselves to be seen. It doesn’t always have to look pretty, and it doesn’t always have to be positive. The first trimester sucked for me, and that’s OK. Actually, it isn’t just OK—it’s perfect because, as a result, I have learnt so much. Before my first trimester, I had forgotten to feel grateful for the small things in life, and now my gratitude for simple things is overflowing. I used to ask myself every few months, "What do you want?" Now, this is a daily practice, and with it, I am learning so much about who I am, what makes me happy, what brings me joy, and what allows me to thrive. Without this experience, I wouldn’t be as connected to who I am or who I am becoming.
Here’s to the second trimester and all that it brings!