Self Love Sunday: Still Figuring Out Hair, Skin, and Life at 36
Day 14 - Morning musings.
A few years ago, at the height of the pandemic, I started a Clubhouse room with a friend called Speaking Truth. In truth, we had no idea what we were doing, but we knew that we wanted to connect with other people and explore ideas through dialogue. What transpired was several months of fun hosting a number of rooms. One in particular was our Self Love Club, where we discussed what self-love meant to us and explored ways in which people were cultivating that relationship with themselves.
After a long hiatus, I wanted to bring back the concept of the Self Love Club in the form of Self Love Sunday, an exploration into what self-love means to me and the many ways in which I have been able to cultivate it.
Self-love hasn’t come naturally to me, and like many, I used to judge people who had a deep sense of self-love as selfish or self-absorbed. I was taught that my role, as a woman, was to be of service to everyone else outside of myself, and I followed this path for most of my life. Swallowing my truth, making myself small, and neglecting my needs in pursuit of the invisible badge of honour that I thought came with self-abandonment. The badge never came, and all I was left feeling was unfulfilled, longing, and yearning for more.
It was at this point that I realised perhaps my purpose here isn’t who I get to be for everyone else, but who I choose to be for myself. I realised that I couldn’t expect to live a full life if I was constantly outsourcing my worth to being chosen by others. I had to choose myself. Uncomfortable as that realisation was, it was probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
But how can you suddenly choose yourself when your whole life has been dedicated to choosing others?
This was the question I was left with after my realisation. How do I even begin to choose myself? What does that even look like? I remember being asked by someone soon after this realisation to write down ‘What you love.’ This exercise left me in floods of tears as I realised everything I claimed I loved belonged to someone else. Most of the things written belonged to my ex-husband, my friends, community, or family. I didn’t see myself on these pages, and it scared me how detached I had become from my own wants and needs. But it also presented an opportunity. An opportunity to get to know myself. To be curious and to enquire within. For the first time in 28 years, I decided that instead of dating someone else, I would date myself – and that’s exactly what I did. For several years, I dedicated myself to cultivating self-love and nurturing the relationship I had with myself above a relationship with another.
I learnt many things during this time of exploration, and I realised that self-love isn’t an external practice – it starts within. You can’t bypass internal self-love by buying the best face creams or designer clothing and calling it self-love. That is a form of showing yourself care, but true love starts with how you think and feel about yourself. It starts with the inner critic and reframing the negative thoughts that have run rent-free in your mind for years. It starts with the things you say to yourself when you look in the mirror, or when you are faced with rejection.
It is how you hold yourself in the best of times but, more importantly, how you hold yourself through the worst of times. It is speaking to yourself as if you were speaking to your best friend out loud.
So, these are the key values I hold now when it comes to self-love:
Befriending my inner critic and offering reframes when criticism creeps in.
Speaking to myself as if I were speaking to my best friend.
Offering myself compassion and curiosity when I do something that doesn’t align.
No longer criticising my physical appearance.
Reminding myself how beautiful I am each and every day.
Understanding that comparison or judgement is an opportunity for me to enquire about what need I have that I am not meeting.
Speaking my truth, even when it is difficult. I will no longer swallow my words.
Having my corner, even if I don’t make the right choice – after all, we are human, and part of the human experience is making mistakes.
No longer seeing failure as anything other than an experience to learn from.
Never, ever putting myself in situations that make me uncomfortable. If it isn’t a full yes, then it’s a no. My peace and my internal happiness are more important than pleasing others.
Since it is Sunday, I am diving into a day of self-love, starting with writing a list of all the things I am proud of this week. The idea of being my own bigger cheerleader use to make me feel uncomfortable but I am starting to get use to being my own biggest fan. Whilst self-love is now a lifestyle for me and not something I need to do every day, it is something I am constantly conscious of – practices that help me find my centre.
I have to be honest, my internal self-love comes more easily to me than my external self-care. One thing I am phenomenal at is feeding my body nourishing food and exercising every day. However, when it comes to hair, skin, nails, and clothes, I am still finding my feet. I can easily go days wearing the same gym clothes, with my hair in a top knot and my face unwashed. I am starting to realise that I want to carve out an extra 20-30 minutes of my day to do my hair or commit to a skincare routine. I deserve that.
Self-care is a beautiful way to connect yourself back to self-love because when we take care of ourselves in a way that expresses love, it reminds us that we are worthy of love. With that in mind, I have decided to spend the day devoted to self-care, starting with my morning matcha, followed by a workout, and then a full body MOT. I’m talking face masks, shaved legs, skin lathered in oil, hair mask and an afternoon wrapped up on the couch eating delicious homemade soup watching some of my favourite autumn shows and movies.
By loving myself this way, I remind myself that I am worthy – and you are too.
Happy Self Love Sunday.
Millee x
Love it!