How do you communicate with your partner when they are being defensive?
Day 20 - Introducing Dear Millee
Dear Millee,
So this is a fun, juicy little thing I am introducing on my Substack: an Ask Millee section. As someone who is deeply reflective and who loves to give advice, it makes sense to open this space up to questions and provide a platform where we can dive deeper. This particular question is one close to my heart:
“How do you communicate with your partner when they are being defensive?”
This is something Ben and I have had to navigate in our relationship, and we are both really happy with the solution we have found that works for us. The number one thing to remember is that you are not going to get your point across when someone is being defensive! Why? Because they are feeling attacked, and the last thing they want to do is drop their defences and let you in. I like to think of a dog when it has its hackles up when I consider how I feel when I am being defensive. I am not thinking rationally; all I am feeling is attacked, and I shift into a space of trying to protect myself.
So what do we do when we find ourselves dancing the dance of defensiveness? We stop and give each other space. Staying and trying to force our way through is exhausting and messy when really, with a little space and time, we are able to cool down and return to the conversation. One thing we always do before we give each other space is that the person who isn’t on the defensive makes the person who is feel heard and loved. We acknowledge what the other person is experiencing and ask if we can return to this later. We then remind them that we love them.
Why? Because this creates a safe space for us to depart from and return back to.
The reason we dislike arguments so much is that we push each other with our need to be right when really all we are doing is making each other feel less heard and less safe, which takes us longer to reach a resolution.
This happened for us the other night when Ben was feeling defensive about something I was trying to communicate to him. I saw how quickly he went into defence mode, so instead of trying to push him, I let him know that I could see he was feeling attacked, which wasn’t my intention, and asked if it was OK for us to return to the conversation a little later. I reminded him how much I loved him and how much I appreciated his willingness to communicate with me.
Less than thirty minutes later, we were able to have an open, honest, walls-down conversation where we both felt seen and heard.
Defensiveness is often just a lack of warning. When someone isn’t prepared for what we are trying to communicate, it can lead them to put their walls up.
This is what works for us. We are big on communicating and ensuring that both of our needs are being met. This requires patience and a willingness to explore what that looks like for each person. It isn’t about who is right but how we can navigate situations together.
Remember, every relationship has its ups and downs, and it’s in those moments of vulnerability that we truly grow together. Embracing defensiveness as a signal rather than a barrier can transform your conversations into opportunities for deeper connection. So, the next time you find yourself or your partner on the defensive, take a moment to pause, breathe, and choose empathy. By doing so, you not only foster understanding but also create a safe space where trust can deepen.
With love,
Millee x
