Good, Bad and Everything in Between: A Good Girl's Awakening

Day 13 - Morning musings

I learnt early on that the key to success, as a woman, was to be good – or so I thought. I can vividly remember the praise I would get for being good and the inevitable pride that would follow. The comparison to other girls my age: "Why can’t you be more like Millee?" I wore those words like a badge of honour. I craved the status of being good. Good in school, good at home – the good girl became my identity, one which I effortlessly adopted.

It seemed so simple to me at the time. The more I followed their rules and stayed good, the more praise I got; therefore, the more validated I felt. Simple. The recipe was simple: be good and stay good. So I did. I spent 28 years of my life being good until suddenly, I did something bad. I left my husband. In an instant, I went from being someone who was always seen as good to a woman suddenly labelled as bad. I stopped playing the game and ended up on my hands and knees, wondering why, when I finally chose myself, I was deemed bad.

I know that I am not alone on this journey of untangling the good girl identity. It is an identity that so many of us inherited. Keep small, stay good, and you will be worthy. The real journey for me began when I decided to stop being so good and instead start listening to myself. My divorce was the catalyst for this journey, and I admit, it wasn’t one I handled with integrity or grace. However, when you have spent your whole life pleasing others, I honestly don’t think you can start pleasing yourself without a little mess. And that's exactly what I created – a big old mess. I was never taught how to honour my voice or to put my needs first, so when the undeniable dissatisfaction within me finally erupted, I took innocent people down with me.

I couldn’t pretend anymore. I was unhappy. By honouring everyone else’s needs ahead of my own, I had neglected myself. What is more painful is that I had thought that’s what it meant to be good – to self-abandon in order to make others happy. I had never truly shared my thoughts out loud, set a boundary, or asked for what I needed. Twenty-eight years of suppressed wants and desires erupted into a volcanic display that ended in divorce and started my journey home – to myself.

I have now been on this journey for eight years, and I have to admit, while the journey has become less messy, there is still mess. At times, I am able to honour myself without the guilt or shame of feeling like I am not being good, and other times that guilt and shame get the better of me. I have implemented boundaries in my relationships, and some friendships have drifted off as a result. It is hard when friendships end not to internalise, but I am learning that if I cannot set healthy boundaries with people, then perhaps they aren’t the people for me.

I have worked tirelessly in my relationship to communicate my needs and honour my truth, and I feel so blessed every day to have called in a partner who supports this journey. If anything, he is the one who constantly reminds me to check in with myself and figure out if my actions are coming from truth or old behaviours connected to being good. I have said no to things that do not align and asked for more when I have felt like my worth wasn’t being honoured. I have practiced, again messily at times, speaking my truth in the moment. Overcoming the racing heart and the voice inside my head that, at times, would still prefer me to be silent than to create conflict.

It is dancing with the unknown while knowing that every woman should be able to freely express who they are.

Knowing that I am having a daughter has only heightened my awareness of how desperate I used to be to be good. I have so much love and compassion for that version of me – she was never taught to be anything other than good. I don’t want my daughter growing up like I did, thinking that her worth is tied to how many times someone tells her she is good. I want her to know that her worth comes from who she chooses to be for herself, not who others decide she should be. I want her to feel empowered to use her voice and speak her truth, knowing that it will be received with love and curiosity. I want her to know that there are safe men in the world who will listen to her and honour her thoughts and feelings. I don’t want her to be afraid of who she is.

In a world that constantly taught me how to be good, I have managed to find a way to be me. I am both good and bad, light and dark, and that’s what makes us human. I have my own definition now of what it means to be good, and that is no longer to be seen and not heard. Being good, to me, means standing up for what I feel is right, advocating for my own truth, and choosing love and curiosity in the process. It means understanding when to say no and when to walk away. It is owning that my worth comes from who I choose to be for me, and not who I am for everybody else. Now, this is what it means to be good.

The 'Good Girl' learns to shrink herself to fit into others' expectations, but true freedom comes when she realises her worth isn't tied to being small, silent, or agreeable. It's found in her authenticity, her voice, and her ability to stand in her truth.

There is nothing more powerful than a woman who chooses herself.