5 Days Left: A Dance of Goodbyes and New Beginnings

Moving home in 5 days and this is where I am at.

5 days until we leave the UK for NZ.

My mind has been a maze of wanting to be and wanting to do. Time feels like it is running out around us, and I still feel like I have loops open. I know it isn’t goodbye; it is simply see you soon, yet the other side of the world is, well… the other side of the world. I haven’t had the capacity to write or to say much during this time. I have found myself spending so much time avoiding, and now that there are 5 days left, it feels like it is all spilling out.

To be 36 and moving back to my home country, with the man I love, to start our family and set down some roots feels both sweet and sour. Sweet knowing that for the first time in 10 years, I no longer have to worry about visas or restrictions and that I can create a home, and sour in the sense that it feels like the nomadic life I have lived for the past 15 years is coming to an end.

Despite sometimes feeling like I am behind or that I have not hit the same milestone timelines as my peers, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have lived a lot of lives, and this is simply a new chapter.

If only I could pack my beloved pregnancy pillow.

Boxes to finish packing.

Bags to weigh.

Clothes to donate.

People to say goodbye to.

Moments to cherish.

Bills to sort.

Food to eat.

Gifts to give to friends.

Phone numbers to organize.

Internet to connect.

Mattresses to buy.

Plane seats to select.

Taxis to book.

An unwanted cold to get rid of.

A baby blessing to have.

Content to create.

Yet I don’t want to create.

Overwhelm at its finest.

A list so long that it runs through my mind over and over again.

The dance between doing and being.

The desire to stay yet the excitement to leave.

10 years since I have had my own home.

A place to plant my feet.

The sadness of goodbye.

Met with the sweetness of hello. 

One chapter ends. 

A new one begins. 

A home.

22 weeks pregnant with a kicking baby.

Never has adulting felt so real.

This is 36.